just go with the flow.

no bare minimum, i want the moon and the stars. maybe even a planet at this point.

I have written more letters to you than I reckon I ever actually said to you. I think the only time I actually let some of my feelings out to you was the last time we talked, almost four years ago.. I was angry, and man I think you were too. We both could have done better, but I sure was stupid.

What a four years it has been, we would have a lot to catch up on, but I don’t think you’ll ever allow that door to open. I’m pretty sure you sealed it off, as if there was never a door at all. Ya know, I didn’t even recognize you at first at his service. Wow, who would have thought that would be the next time we all were in the same building.

I’m healing from the loss of him in a different room in my head, though. You know, I never would have met him if it weren’t through you.

I guess, I’ve just come more to the realization that, even if you were playing some sort of weird game, gaslighting me/others, or literally anything, I recognize that I was certainly delusional. I think you are just more in tune with yourself and life, and us being able to have some deeper conversations and good laughs together was really nice. We were really close.. I guess In my head, I felt like you were a really good friend to me, and why would you have been such a good friend and acted how you did if you didn’t feel even a little bit the same? I guess that’s where the gaslighting came in, or maybe it wasn’t, but other people saw it too. I have no idea how you truly felt though, and I’ll probably never know. So, I guess I’ll just admit to myself that I saw more between us than was tangible.. even if it did seem that it was.

But, it did take time to wash you out, I can’t say that I’m completely clean. I still want to talk to you about anything that would make me think. Nothing really does anymore. It’s been a really bad year, but that’s what I expected from 27. It took a lot to get to where I’m at now and accept things, but I learned lessons that made me a better person. at least there’s something good that’s come out of the past 10 years.

#connor

missing you hard today connor

I think it’s been 1300 days on the dot today

I know I miss the memory and feeling and I don’t really know you anymore but

idk

hopeless romantic for you or something like that

I don’t think it’s as simple as you saved me from a hard time in the past

I don’t know what it was and I can’t speculate with my lack of rationality

screamon-deactivated20230625:

lucille clifton

(via loviely)

fridayiminlovemp3:

that was my part of the deal, honest

(via loviely)

melodictouching asked:

I love you so much

thederivativeofrad:

I think about you sometimes

as do I 💖

heavensghost:

Far away from your trouble and worries, you belong somewhere you feel free

tomorrow is your 28th birthday, two years ago I was seeing you just about every other day, two years ago I took you to the concert that was by bells

the last time I saw you I think was when we picked up shrooms from you, you saw my new car and asked when you get to drive it, the time before that was the same thing but I got a long hug from you. I’m glad our last hug would be something to remember, I wish I would have stayed, or came back and hung out with you, but hindsight

so many people posted about missing you and I just thought it was weird since you told me that you didn’t really fucks with anyone, well you didn’t when I knew you, when I saw you every other day

I still can’t believe it happened to you. I’m sorry you couldn’t make it past your 27th year. I’m sorry that you had a shitty friend who didn’t do what he should have to save you. You deserved better, but I’m glad you lived life on your terms and how you wanted to. I’m glad you didn’t waste your time doing shit you didn’t want to.

I cared about you regardless, and the time I had with you was true happiness for me, it was a beautiful break from the shit I had going on. I’m glad we came back together after awhile. I’m glad that we weren’t on bad terms anymore. There’s nothing anything but time can do, because as much as you being the one to die sucks and is confusing and hits too close to home, you aren’t coming back. You aren’t ever going to message me again, I’m never going to experience your laugh or energy again. You’re gone, and I guess that just teaches us all that we should make sure we love people as much as we can while they’re here. When we leave, we are gone, and the only thing left is the memories left behind.

I miss you Q. I miss you telling me stories. I’m glad I picked you.